Emotions Running High: Beware

So, today I think is the first day that I've realized that I'm going to be leaving soon. The reason that I think this is because I felt like crying about 4 times today over stupid sh*t. At work I did end up crying, but because the guy on the other end did. I've been calling the old folks at work (1958 grads) and today I finally got one that had recently passed away. So recently that it was within the past week. Boy did that make me feel like crap. All of the emotions of everything going on in my life boiled over and I just broke out with tears. I think that may happen rather frequently over the next few weeks. (Hence the 'beware')

I've also been thinking about the fact that when I come back things are going to be extremely different for me and for Ann Arbor. The majority of my friends are going to be moving on with their lives soon after I return and the small hope that this town would be the same as the past four years will fall to pieces. I'm not saying that I won't like Ann Arbor, it's just going to be different, and as most of you know, I don't deal with change at all well. I adapt pretty quickly, but it's a rough stretch in between. I'm going to have to get a new job, what I don't know. I might want to work at a random place, or maybe I'll finally have the drive to do something with my life. I've felt a little useless since I've graduated, I don't really feel as if I'm doing anything. I've been busy hanging out with friends, which is definitely great, I love doing that, but at the end of the day I feel...well, pointless. Goal-less. Jobless. Career-less. I just don't know how I'm ever going to do anything good for the world. I don't have the drive, nor the experience to do anything worthwhile. People are telling me that going abroad is 'something' but to me it doesn't really feel like anything. I kind of wish I was working somewhere making a difference in someone's life...through art. Basically I kind of want my career to start, and this whole going to Ireland thing is kind of getting in my way. I think that it's going to be a great experience, but why am I doing it. I guess I feel like everything I do from now on has to have a point. There has to be reason behind it more than just 'well, I really want to do it,' because that's how I feel about Ireland.

I hate leaving things behind and that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. I'm going to miss all of my friends dearly and I really hope that they don't forget about me. It's always a fear, and a possibility. Change sucks, but is necessary and I know this. But it's hard...