Now, I know I have been back in the US for three and a half months, but it wasn't until I started school again until I realized that life really had gone on without me. I had been prepared for coming back to a new a different place when returning home, and yes I did have some problems with the return, but nothing too big. I thought to myself, neat, I didn't have to deal with reverse culture shock. WRONG! Totally wrong. I thought that I was impervious the the effects because I had been traveling and experiencing many different cultures all being blasted in my face for so long, that the States was just another one of those simple adjustments. I didn't realize that it was going to take so so long for it to settle in. This summer was OK, I came back, Ann Arbor was it's small self (in summer standards) and I didn't have to deal with all the people. During move in week, I was completely surprised and overwhelmed by how many students were here. I am and will always be used to walking past cows on the way to school, not thousands of people I don't know.
That's issue number one. Until being back in classes, and with my friends again, I didn't understand the fact that life really had moved on. We're the head honchos in the school now, there is no one older than is, the seniors, in my mind, just disappeared. The last thing I remember is them freaking out because it was half way through the year and many had not started working quite yet. That's my last memory of the class of 2007. Sad right? I don't know anything about the senior projects they ended up accomplishing, I don't know how they were displayed, I don't know where the majority of them are at this moment. Also, coming upon this realization that life had changed, I noticed that all my friends had changed and moved on as well. Nobody, myself included, was/is the same as they used to be. The dynamics in the school have changed, and in the friendships I hold dear as well. I am mixed up, emotionally and pretty much in every other aspect of school life. The campus has changed, the people have changed, I have changed. Why could I not see this coming, even after everyone said it would? This has hit me especially hard.
That's issue number two. Now, today was the first lecture series (Penny Stamps at least, we had some form of it in Ireland) that I have been to since December. I have been excited for a long time to see the lecture series again, odd yes, but not really. I used to despise them, but mostly because of the extra work we had to do with them, but now that it's just listening to great lectures, I love 'em. Before it started, I pretty much had a meltdown. I'm finally coming to the realization that I am a senior in college, about to embark on life, and I have no effing clue what I want to do. I am continuously changing my mind, nothing stays put for more than a few days. I don't think I have what it takes to survive in the so-called 'real world'. What am I going to do? Everything is becoming a last for me. I did this in Ireland as well, the last time we had class, the last walk up to the school, the last time we would all be together in Ireland. I play games in my head, but mind you, none of these games are fun, the always give me anxiety. This is exactly what I am doing now. I won't ever have another first day of school. I won't every have another first football game of the season. I won't ever move into a place again, only intending on staying for the school year. My life seems to be falling apart at every seam and particle. I have NO idea what to do. I almost had a panic attack in the lecture before it even started. Tiffany had to calm me down. I don't have panic attacks ever really even, so it's strange that is has been happening every more frequently. I am growing up. When did that happen?
Something that everyone must understand is that when I was little, I only viewed myself through the age of about 18. I knew who I wanted to be when in middle school and in high school as well. I never thought of myself out of high school. So when it came time for college, I was a little less prepared, but prepared all the same. I have lived the past few years in a slight fog, knowing slightly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, but never exactly planned out like I had done with the first 18 years of my life. Now that the giant unknown abyss of life is approaching ever so quickly, I don't have the slightest notion of what I want to do. It scares me. I am scared. How am I supposed to live my life when I have no idea at all who I want to be? What is going to happen to the friendships I have made these years in college. I know that not all of them will continue, it's impossible to think they would. But how am I to choose who is important enough to try to remain friends with? I feel sick just thinking about this. I don't want to lose contact. I want to put the rewind button on repeat. These have been some amazing years of my life. I have grown up so much, and wouldn't change anything for the world, because I love who I am, and what I have done. Of course there have been things that I wish hadn't happened, but, if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I don't want things to change. I don't want to go back to hating life. I don't want to go back to who I was without these people. I can't stop this mindset that I am in. Everything is the last. Nothing is new. I feel dizzy thinking about life. What is life, why do we stride for what we do? Why did I go to art school? Have I screwed myself royally? There are so many things I need to talk about. I need the time to voice what is occuring in my brain. I need someone to speak at.
All in all, I truly wish I was back in Ireland. I can't help but think this all the time. I really badly don't want to be in the US, the only thing that is keeping me here is my family. I can say that yes, friends are keeping me here as well, but they are less perminant. My family has always and will always be there for me, that's why I think it's so hard for me to let go of them. I do really feel the need to go back to Ireland and live there. I don't know for how long, and I don't know when I will be able to go back, but I want to live there. Everything about it makes me smile. The people, the culture, the life, the time, the landscape, the words. I don't want to go back, I need to go back. I think I left my time there unfinished. Who knows. All I know is that, the best time of my life was spent in Ireland, especially in the Burren. It's a separation from the world, it is it's own place. I truly need to go back. I think that once I graduate, I will work to save money to go back to Ireland, this is my goal. I am setting this goal as I write this, it's a new thought, and I swear I will live by it.
In the near future, I need people to be there for me, I need to be able to rely on my friends. I need to make art, I need to get everything off of my chest. I need to be more vocal with what I want, and what I have problems with. I need to be myself. But can't I just go back in time?
No comments:
Post a Comment